


And Bleed Your Magic Out

by Welcome_to_emo_town



Category: I Don't Know How But They Found Me (Band), Panic! At The Disco (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Brendon’s in this now whoops, Character Death, Crying, Death, Don’t worry, Gore, Grief, Guns, Hospitals, I'm Sorry, Kinda fluff, Kissing, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Ronnie’s in this story, Sad, This book is longer than I thought it was gonna be, Weekman, don’t worry we still hate him, fuck brendon urie, fuck ronnie radke, proposal, proposal gone wrong, this is a fuck Ronnie Radke zone, trigger warning, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-25 09:16:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20721821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Welcome_to_emo_town/pseuds/Welcome_to_emo_town
Summary: One, two, three shots rang out. Ryan gasped, his hands going to his stomach.“D-Dallon?” He asked shakily.Christ, how could he have let this happen?TRIGGER WARNING





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMERS: This story contains scenes with blood and death. I also completely respect Dallon and Breezy together :)
> 
> Hi! Ok so this is my first Weekman fic, the first fic I’ve written since 2016 and the first one I'm planning on actually finishing. It's gonna be a sad one so get ready. If you're sensitive to death, blood, gore, grief or anything like that I highly suggest you skip this one. If you have any thoughts or ways to improve, comment them! And without further ado... the book! :)
> 
> \- 🖤

///TW: blood\\\\\

Dallon sat in the hospital waiting room, head in his hands, just trying not to break down and start sobbing in the middle of the emergency room but failing miserably. The night's events were playing over and over in his mind. Jesus, how could he have let this happen?

|||Flashback to earlier that night|||

"Dal, come on we gotta go! The reservation's at 8:00!" Ryan was waiting at the front door, car keys in hand and waiting for Dallon to finish getting ready for their date. 

"I know, I know! Just gimme a sec!" Dallon called back, searching frantically in their closet for the small velvet box he had bought the previous week. Shit, what if he had lost it? No, he couldn't have, he had bought it and put it straight in his... his suitcase! He fumbled around in the compartments and let out a sigh of relief when he felt it.

He stood, put the ring in his pocket and walked out to meet his boyfriend. Ryan wore a black button down shirt with dark red and blue flowers, matched with a white and red floral print tie and black jeans. Dallon was sporting a white button down, black tie and black jeans. 

Ryan pulled him down for a kiss, smiling against his lips. "You ready to go?" 

"Yep!" Dallon pulled back and looked at his boyfriend. Christ, he was so beautiful. Ryan was the closest thing to perfection that there was. His hair was slightly ruffled, he had cat hair on his shoulder and he was smiling faintly. The dim light of the hallway made him look almost angelic. He might've been saying something but Dallon was too lost in his eyes to know what.

"Hello?? Earth to Dallon? I asked if you want your jacket?"

"What? Oh, sorry. Uhh, yeah, sure!" Dallon snapped out of his lovesick daze and grabbed his leave me alone bomber jacket.

Dallon locked the apartment and they walked hand in hand to their car. He opened the door and Ryan climbed in. When they were both in and had their seatbelts on, he started the car and drove off.

"Music?" Ryan connected his phone to the built in Bluetooth speakers and opened Spotify.

"Whatever you want, baby." 

Dallon grinned when he heard the familiar intro to social climb and began singing along to the song.

"Oh, come break some hearts now, tear them out, filing for amusements with the crowd- sing with me!" Ryan rolled his eyes and joined in. "But be advised participation is required, doing things not typically allowed!" He began playing air drums, making Dallon grin like an idiot.

They ended up listening to choke, modern day Cain and do it all the time as well; with Ryan playing air drums and singing along with Dallon. 

When they arrived at the restaurant Dallon got out and ran around to open the door for Ryan. He held out his hand an Ryan took it. "M'lord" Ryan broke down into fits of giggles, leaning on Dallon and trying to regain some of his composure. Dallon just smiled, slipped an arm around his waist and started towards the restaurant. 

He looked over and Ryan smirked at him before jabbing a finger into his side.

"Hey! Cut it out!" He laughed.

"I think not!" He poked him three more times.

"Ry! Quit it!" Dallon gasped between giggles. 

Ryan turned to him. "Make me." He winked at Dallon, who was now blushing furiously. 

"Maybe I will, tonight" Dallon chuckled at the brobecks reference.

"Did you just- you dork" Ryan smiled at him and kissed his cheek. 

They entered the restaurant and were surprised to see that is was relatively empty.

"Hey Dal, didn't you say this place was always packed? And that it took weeks to get a reservation?"

"I thought it would've been completely full. Though I guess it's nice to have a little privacy." Dallon shrugged and they walked up to the front desk.

"Reservation for Dallon Weekes?" He told the woman working there. She looked up and glared when she saw them holding hands

"Right this way" She rolled her eyes and led them to a nice table in the middle of the room. 

They sat down and ordered a bottle of wine. They talked but Dallon was only half listening. The other half of him was trying to figure out what to say. Trying to put into words how much he loved the boy sitting across from him.

It was when their dinners arrived that the perfect moment arose. They had been silent for about 30 seconds when Dallon took a deep breath to calm himself and started.

Dallon's POV

"Ryan?"

"Yeah, hon?"

Oh god I'm so nervous. What if he says no? What if I mess it up? I think I hear police sirens in the distance and- focus, Dallon. I take a deep breath and look up at Ryan 

"I, umm, I don't really know how to start this but here we go. I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. I didn't know it was possible to love anyone this much but here we are. I just- there are 171,476 words in the English language and I couldn't string any of them together to express how much You mean to me. I love the way your eyes shine when you talk about something you love, I love your adorable smile and your wonderful laugh. And I want to be able to hear you laugh and watch your eyes shine while you smile for the rest of my life." I choke over my words and swallow. "I want to spend my life with you." I get down on one knee. He's standing now, hands covering his mouth and tears in his eyes. People are watching and smiling. "Ryan Eric Seaman, will you-" the doors burst open. A man stands there. He's wearing all black and has handcuffs around one wrist. He's holding- oh god. He has a gun.

"EVERYONE ON THE GROUND!" He roars and lifts up the pistol. 

I'm already on ground, along with almost everyone else. Almost. Ryan seems frozen in place above me. I tug on his leg. "Ryan get down. Ry please get down." He doesn't seem to hear me "RY! RYAN GET DOWN" I'm tugging on his arms and legs, trying desperately to get him out of harm's way. 

"I SAID GET THE FUCK DOWN" the shooter yells again. I stare in horror at the man in the doorway. He starts walking closer. 

"Ryan please. Ryan please I'm begging you please get on the ground." I don't know when I stood up, but I'm now on my feet, trying to push him down by the shoulders.

And then one, two, three shots ring out. Ryan gasps, and his hands go to his stomach. Blood is already seeping out through his fingers. He holds them up and looks at them, then turns them outwards for me to see.

"D-Dallon?" He asks shakily, reaching out for me. He manages to grab onto my shirt with one and hand my hand with the other. 

I can't tell if I'm screaming or not. I think I might be. I can't see the shooter anymore. Ryan drops down to his knees, he looks completely blank and terrified at the same time. Only then did it really hit me. Ryan just got shot. The love of my life just got shot three times in the stomach. As the weight of this realization finally hits me I cry out. 

"RY! NOOO!" I drop down next to him 

"Dallon, I- I can't- Dallon please. Please help me-" he's cut off by a fit of coughing, doubling over and lying on his back now. 

"I know Ry, I know. It'll be fine just please hold on. Hold on a little longer." I press my hands down onto the wound to try to stop the blood flow and look around frantically "HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!" But no one's moving. "DO SOMETHING! DON'T JUST STAND THERE SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!" There are tears streaming down my face and blood on my hands and shirt. I look down again and Ryan's coughing, but this time blood is coming out. Oh Christ, there's blood running out of the corner of his mouth and his teeth are stained red. 

"Dal, Dallo- p- please help... help me it hurts so bad-" he cuts himself off with a long, drawn out moan, his face twisting into a pained grimace. 

"Baby please just hold on. Someone's calling an ambulance." I take off my jacket and press it down onto his stomach. "Ryan you're gonna be ok. You're gonna be fi-" all pain seems to vanish from his face then. "Ry?" I don't recognize my voice. It's high and thin and scared.

"Finish. Finish what you were saying" He smiled up at me. He had just been shot and he was looking at me like I hung the stars. Then another wave of pain must have washed over him because he let out a high pitched wail, his back arching off the floor. His hands tightened where they were, around my wrist and fisted in my shirt. My jacket had long since soaked through with blood.

He lies there panting for a moment before the next wave comes crashing over. This time there's no scream. No wailing, no painfully tight grip on my wrist and no twisted look of agony on his face. He just stares me dead in the eyes, as if he were trying to look directly into my soul. He whimpers and whispers "Dallon... please..."

I sniffle and manage to choke out through my tears: "Ryan Eric Seaman, will you marry me?"

"Yes... of.. of course I'll m- marry you... Dal" I hear sirens getting closer. Just as I slip the ring on his finger I'm dragged off of him. The paramedics are asking me something. I'm not listening. I'm just staring in horror at Ryan, lying blacked out on the ground, three bullets in him, still bleeding heavily with my jacket covering the wound. They take it off and- Oh Jesus- I'm gonna be sick. I barely manage to stumble away from the nurse before vomiting. She's still trying to get my attention.

"Hey I need you to tell me what happened. How long has he been bleeding? How many bullets? Sweetie, I need you to calm down..." she continues talking but at this point I can't hear anything.

He's gonna be ok. He'll be fine.

Right?


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically gonna be Dallon reminiscing about all the good memories so it’s a bit longer. Kinda fluff but also kinda sad.

So here he was. Sitting in the ER. He wasn't sure how long he had been there. Ten minutes? Four hours? He pulled out his phone. The time confirmed he had only been there fifteen minutes. Tears fell from his eyes when he remembered his lock screen wallpaper. It was a pictures of him and Ryan on their third date. They had gone to the fair that day.

Flashback

"You're going on THAT?!" Ryan stared in awe at the roller coaster in front of him. 

"Hell yeah!! Doesn't it look awesome?!" 

"Dallon it looks terrifying. It goes upside down!" Ryan was still staring at it. Surely Dallon wasn't really going on it?

"I know!! Let's go!" Dallon grabbed Ryan's hand and started dragging him towards it. 

"Ohhhhh no no no no no no no there is no way in hell I'm going on that thing" 

"What? Come onnnnnn! You have to come with me!" 

"Dal, I love you, but I would sooner go on the drop than on that thing"

"Well then let's go on that!" Dallon exclaimed, grabbing Ryan's hand and pulling him over to the line. 

"No that's not what I meant!" 

Of course, Ryan resisted and tried to pull back but Dallon was taller and stronger than him. 

Once they had found two spots next to each other, they sat down and pocked themselves in.

"Dallon we are going to die. I can't believe I agreed to this" Ryan was visibly shaking.

"Ry, it'll be fine. And the drop only lasts like, two seconds."

"Oh Jesus." Ryan squeezes his eyes shut when he felt the ride start to move up. It took about a minute to get to the top. And of course just to add more suspense, they left them at the top for two minutes before dropping them.

"Ryan! Open your eyes look at the view!"

"No! We're gonna die if I open my eyes." Ryan gripped the arm rests so hard his knuckles turned white.

"No we're not! It's completely safe! Here, take my hand and open your eyes" Dallon held his hand out. Ryan grabbed it, took one deep breath and slowly opened his eyes. And he was glad he did. He could see everything. The lake, the forest, the mountains and the rest of the fairgrounds. 

"Holy shit it's beautif- AHHHHHHHHH" he was cut off before he could finish as the ride dropped them 250 feet to the ground. 

"WE'REGONNADIEWE'REGONNADIEWE'REGONNADIEEEEEEE- AHHHHHHHHHHH" Ryan screamed but it was completely involuntary. It came from his vocal chords but he definitely didn't mean to shriek so embarrassingly loud. But by the time the ride slowed down he was laughing hysterically. Like, cackling. Dallon had to pick him up and carry him over his shoulder as his legs were completely jellied.

"That lasted a lot longer than two seconds" he giggled.

After it had gotten dark and most of the people had left, Ryan dragged Dallon over to the Ferris wheel. Saying: "You got to pick a ride, now I get to pick a ride!" When they got to the top they stopped. The view wasn't as good as from the top of the drop but it was still pretty amazing. 

"Ry, look at the stars!" Ryan looked up and saw that the moon and stars were particularly bright tonight.

"Let's take a picture" Dallon pulled out his phone, careful not to drop it. They leaned in and, click! Ryan went back to gazing at the stars. The light of the moon dancing off his hazel eyes and making them sparkle.

"God, you're pretty" Dallon sighed. Ryan just smiled and pressed his lips against Dallon's.

End of flashback

Dallon wiped away a few tears and tried to think of all the memories they'd shared. He remembered the first time they met...

Flashback

Dallon tried to look away, he really did but his gaze just kept falling to Ryan's ass. You couldn't blame him though, he was just walking around in his underwear after all. He was so distracted that he barely noticed he had started walking up to him. Ryan turned around.

"Can I help you?" Ryan gave him a quizzical look

"Oh, hey, uhhhmmm," why was he so nervous? "Uh, I'm D-Dallon," he stuttered out "Dallon Weekes." 

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Dallon! Ryan, Ryan seaman." Dallon did his best not to snort at Ryan's last name. Ryan extended his hand. "Did you need something?" 

Oh, did he need something? Yes he did. He needed to come up with a reason to keep talking to him.

"Uhhhmm, yeahhh..." think, Dallon, think! "Y-you're a drummer?" 

"Sure am! How come?"

"Well, uhh, this may sound dumb since we don't even know each other, but m-my band needs a drummer a-and from what I've s-seen you're really good." Ryan looked surprised. Oh no, he had come on too strong and now Ryan would think he's a weirdo and-

"Oh! I mean I'm flattered, but you don't know me and I don't know anything about you..." 

"No, you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you" Dallon mumbled, walking away.

"Dude, you didn't let me finish. I was gonna say we should hang out, you know, get to know each other?" 

"Sure! But you might wanna..." Dallon gestured to his... "outfit"

"Oh, right" Ryan chuckled and blushed a deep crimson. Dallon's stomach flip flopped when Ryan smiled. 

Once Ryan had put on some clothes they went and sat on the edge of the one vacant stage at the festival. They talked for hours about nothing and everything. Ryan's hand brushed up against Dallon's five times (yes he had been counting, so what?). His heart leapt into his throat every time. Why was this happening? He had just met this guy. It's not like he likes him or anyth- OHHH. Wait, no. That's crazy. They had just met. He could be a serial killer for all he knew. 

After they had said their goodbyes and Dallon was back at his apartment, he picked up his ukulele and started strumming out a tune. When the intro was finished and he felt he should begin singing, he sang the only words that came to his mind. He only words that felt natural 

Could this be love at first sight  
or should I walk by again?  
You're photogenically dressed  
the conversation begins  
Oh god, now what did I say?  
Let me start over again

Could this be love at first sight?  
Oh wait I said that before  
I need a place for the night  
Happy to sleep on the floor  
But don't go out of your way  
And I won't talk anymore

Turn the lights off I'm in love  
Wouldn't you like to, wouldn't you like to kiss her?  
Wouldn't you like to, wouldn't you like to dance with her?  
Darkened nights and violent things  
Vaudevillian girls and violin strings  
All of these are the prettiest things when  
I'm in love 

Turn the lights off I'm falling in love with you  
Wouldn't you like to, wouldn't you like to kiss her?  
Wouldn't you like to, wouldn't you like to dance with her?  
Dark dark nights and violent things  
Vaudevillian girls and violin strings  
All of these are the prettiest things when  
I'm in love

End of flashback

Dallon remembered that his crush had somewhat dissipated (or he had just forgotten about it because he wasn't around Ryan 24/7 anymore) after the brobecks broke up but had come back at full force and hit him in the heart with a baseball bat when they were sitting in Dallon's living room, discussing ideas for the new band. Or bamd if you will.

Flashback

It was 1:00 AM. They should really go to bed. But instead, they were sitting on Dallon's living room floor, trying to stay awake and looking for a band name.

"I dunno, man. I'm out of ideas. I think we should have another go at it tomorrow morning." 

"Maybe you're right..." Dallon sighed. He was disappointed they hadn't been able to find anything that seemed right. "We should probably go to bed..."

"Yeah....wanna see what's on tv?"

"Hell yeah!" Ryan picked up the remote and started flipping through the channels.

"Heeeeyyy! Back to the future!" Dallon excitedly tapped Ryan's shoulder.

"Wanna watch that?" 

Dallon nodded and turned the volume up. 

"Oh my god they found me. I don't know how but they found me!" 

The two boys looked at each other. 

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" 

"That we've found our band name? Yeah!" Dallon grabbed a piece of paper and quickly scrawled "I don't know how but they found me" on it.

"It's perfect!" Ryan pulled Dallon into a tight hug. That was when Dallon remembered his teensy, tiny, little, HUGE crush. It wasn't that big of a crush. He just liked the way Ryan looked and sounded and smelled and felt and was. He loved Ryan's laugh. He wanted to make Ryan laugh right now. Dallon picked him up and swung him around in his arms a couple times before setting him down, still hugging. Ryan giggled. That laugh was going to be the death of him. Oh, and he REALLY liked this hug. He felt like he could stay there forever...

"Dal? You can let go now" Ryan laughed. Dallon quickly released him. 

"Back to the movie?" Ryan nodded and they sat down in their previous spots, on the floor, backs against the couch. 

As usual, Ryan wasn't able to stay awake for the end of the movie and ended up falling asleep with his head on Dallon's shoulder. Dallon needed to get up and have some water but he didn't want to get up. Obviously there were reasons other than the fact Ryan was leaning up against him. He was comfortable, the kitchen was far away, he didn't know if he had any clean glasses, Ryan was warm, Ryan's hair smelt nice, he didn't want to wake him up because he looked cute when he slept...

He must have fallen asleep too because when he woke up Ryan wasn't next to him.

"Ry?" Just as the word left his mouth, Ryan walked in and handed him a plate of pancakes. "Ryan Seaman, you are a saint."

End of flashback

"Sir? Would you like to call anyone? The phone is right over there." He looked up to see a woman, presumably the receptionist standing in front of him. 

Dallon nodded and stood up. Who was he going to call? Who do you call in this situation? You called someone you cared about, family, close friends, a boyfriend maybe. But he couldn't call his boyfriend. His boyfriend was off in a room somewhere in surgery. He just wanted to be with Ryan. Just wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him everything would be alright. That thought brought him back to their first kiss.

Flashback 

It was a cold evening in autumn. They'd been on the road for days and finally had a night off. So, of course, they spent it in the tour bus playing video games, board games and watching movies. Right now they were playing Mario Kart and trash talking each other.

"Geez, Dallon, my grandma drives faster than that!"

"Your grandma doesn't drive, Ryan."

"Exactly." Ryan grinned slyly at him. 

"Hey Ryan, have you ever heard the story of the tortoise and the hare?" 

"Yes Dallon. Everyone's heard it." Ryan rolled his eyes, expecting to hear something about "slow and steady wins the race" 

"Well here's the tortoise." Dallon threw a red shell and surpassed him.

"WHAT?! NO!" Ryan cackled as he came in second place. His hair had fallen in his face and Dallon absentmindedly brushed it away. It was soft. Still not thinking, he rested his hand on Ryan's cheek. Ryan looked surprised but brought his hand to the back of Dallon's neck and leaned in slowly. Before Dallon realized what was happening he was leaning in to meet him halfway. 

Their lips touched and sparks might've flown. They fit together like two long lost pieces of a puzzle. 

It was chaste at first, but soon started getting more open mouthed and messy. Dallon bit Ryan's lower lip, asking for permission to deepen the kiss. Ryan opened his mouth and moaned slightly. They only pulled away because the need for air was becoming a problem. They rested their foreheads together, panting slightly.

"I've wanted to do that from the moment I laid eyes on you" Dallon sighed. Rolling over so that they were cuddling, Ryan half sitting in his lap.

"Does this mean..? I mean do you wanna be boyfriends then?"

"I thought you'd never ask" Dallon smiled and kissed the top of Ryan's head.

End of flashback

Dallon startled himself out of his memory when he heard the phone clatter to the floor. He had been standing there for minutes, tears running down his cheeks. 

He bent down and picked it up, examining it for cracks or scratches. When he was satisfied that it had come to no harm he opened it up and started looking through his contacts. Who was he going to call? He didn't want to bother Brendon, plus, he wasn't even in town right now. Come to think of it, there were only three people in town right now. He didn't know Tyler and Josh well enough to drag them into this situation so that left only one person.

He punched in the number and drummed his fingers on his thigh as it started to ring. Please pick up...

"Awsten?"

Sorry that got sloppier as it went along (it's very late at night) Also, if you think you have any friends that'd like to read this it would be awesome if you could share it around! I'll try to update sooner next time (yes, next time. This was just gonna be one chapter but I'm attached so it'll be more) thank y'all for reading and comment what kind of stories you'd like to see in the future!

-🖤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that got sloppier as it went along (it's very late at night) Also, if you think you have any friends that'd like to read this it would be awesome if you could share it around! I'll try to update sooner next time (yes, next time. This was just gonna be one chapter but I'm attached so it'll be more) thank y'all for reading and comment what kind of stories you'd like to see in the future!
> 
> -🖤


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, bet you didn't see that coming! Honestly, I didn't either. I kinda just thought of people I'd like to incorporate and people that know Dallon and Awsten seemed like a good choice! Also don't you just love how I randomly switch between third person and first person? Anyways, here's the chapter!

Awsten's POV

What the fuck? I look over at my alarm clock. 12:30 AM. What had woken me up? My phone. I pick it up and look at the caller ID. I don't recognize the number, although, I'm up now so I might as well answer...

"Awsten?" It's Dallon. What the fuck is Dallon doing calling me at 12:30 in the morning?

"Dallon? Excuse my language but what the fuck are you doing?! It's past midnight! I was asleep!"

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't know who else t-to call" His voice cracks. He's been crying. Time to be worried.

"What happened? Are you ok? You sound like you've been crying"

"It's Ryan-" he's cut off by a strangled sob. 

"Dallon, I need you to calm down and tell me what happened. I'm coming over, where are you?" I say, already pulling on a pair of pants.

"The hospital- He-" he sucks in a ragged breath "t-the shots.. he s-s-said yes..." That was tonight? He had asked Ryan tonight? You know, that's probably not the thing I should be focusing on. Did he say shots? By now I'm walking out the front door. 

"Dallon everything's gonna be fine I'm on my way-"

"But what if it isn't?" His voice is scared and quiet. "What if it isn't fine?"

"Dallon just calm down please. I'm getting in the car so I have to hang up but I'll be there in ten minutes." I don't feel good about hanging up but I don't want to add to the number of injuries by getting in a car crash. 

Time skip - He's at the hospital now

I burst through the doors to the waiting room. Dallon's just sitting in a chair, crying. I run over to him.

"Dallon?"

He looks up at me and I've never seen such a look of pain on a human face. 

"Awsten, he's- he's gonna be ok, right?"

What do I say to that? I don't even know what happened yet.

"Yeah, don't worry, Dal. Everything'll be fine. Can you tell me what happened?" 

"We were out for dinner.. he- I-I asked him to m-marry me and- and... he s-said yes- t-then the sh-shots..." he takes a shaky breath. "There was a-a man with a g-gun. Ry wouldn't get on the ground-" his eyes go wide and he chokes out another sob. "I-I should've j-jumped in front o-of him... I could- I could've prevented this..." he grips the chair tightly to try and stop himself shaking. "It's all my fault! If I had just pushed h-him over and-"

"Dallon no. This isn't your fault. There's nothing you could've done. How long have you been here?"

"About t-three hours-s..."

"Have they given you any news at all?"

"No..."

"Do you want me to go ask?" He nods and I stand up and walk over to the desk.

"Excuse me, miss? Is there any news about the boy that was brought in? Three gunshot wounds?"

"Noo... I'm sorry. I'll let you know as soon as we have any updates. Or a doctor will come out." 

At this point I'm getting pretty concerned. I lower my voice so Dallon doesn't hear.

"How was it looking when he came in though? Do they think..." I take a deep breath. Tears are going to start any second now. "Do they think he's gonna make it?"

"It wasn't looking especially good, no. I think they said his condition had improved for a while but now it's worse than before. There's a chance he'll be ok but I'm not making any promises." 

I really hope Dallon didn't hear that. I don't think he'd be able to handle it.

"Please. Please can you talk quieter? That's his boyfriend" I motioned to Dallon. "I don't think he could handle it."

"He's going to find out eventually. I would recommend telling him now so that he has time to freak out. That way he can say goodbye with a clear-ish head if he needs to." 

Maybe she's right. If Dallon really might need to say goodbye he needs enough time to freak out beforehand. I don't even realize I've started crying until Dallon stood up.

"I-is everything ok? You're crying."

I wipe my eyes and look up at him. I'll tell him part of the truth.

"Yeah. They said that there hasn't been any n-news. But it wasn't looking v-very good when h-he came in. There's maybe a 70% chance he'll....surv-...be ok." 

He grabs my hand.

"Is that really what she said? Don't lie to me." He's shaking. What do I do? I can't tell him the truth but I can't lie to him again either. As I'm trying to decide what to say, a doctor walks in through the double doors. His name tag reads Dr. Cooper.

"Mr. Weekes?" He asks. Dallon pushes past me and runs forward.

"What happened? Is he gonna be ok?!" 

"He's lost a lot of blood. He'll need don-" Dallon cuts him off.

"I'll do it! I'll give him every last drop if it'll help him!" Dallon exclaims.

"What's your blood type?" He asks.

"Ummmm.... oh! It's B+" 

"I'm sorry...it's not compatible. It has to be O-."

Wait a minute. I'm O-! I grab the doctor's hand.

"I'm O-! Take mine! You can have it all!"

"Are you sure about this, Mr...?"

"Knight. And, yes! Yes whatever it'll take!" The doctor looks rather startled. I hadn't realized I'd been yelling.

"Right this way please." 

I'm ushered out of the room, leaving Dallon alone with his thoughts.

Dallon's POV

Awsten leaves the room. I'm alone. What if they can't help him? They said he'd lost a lot of blood. How much is a lot? I look down at my hands. Jesus, they're still covered in blood. It goes until past the elbow. It's also soaked my shirt, however it's mostly dried now. The longer I look at the blood on my hands the more I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I stand up and run to find a bathroom.

I barely make it into the stall before puking my guts out. I spend a couple minutes dry heaving before standing up and going to the sink to wash my hands. 

The blood isn't coming off as well as I expected. The water is only slightly tinted red. The more I scrub the more desperate I feel. They're dirty. They're stained with my boyfriend- fiancé's blood and it's all my fault. They're the kind of dirty that make me want to scrub for hours. They'll never be clean though. It's bone-deep. It's under my skin. 

I'm startled out of my spiralling, panicky thoughts by the realization that the water is now running almost completely red and by the stinging sensation blossoming on my palm. I turn off the water and look down at my hands. They're still stained red. I imagine they will be for at least a week. But now there's a bleeding cut on my right palm from me scratching at it, trying to get rid of the itching feeling of dirtiness.

The tears start falling again. I back away into the corner, as if trying to get away from the emotions. I sink down to the floor and hug my knees to my chest.

"Please." I sob. "Please, just let him be ok. I'll do anything!" I rock back and forth, shaking and crying. 

"You know he's not going to be ok." A voice in my head hisses.

"Shut up." I mumble 

"You know I'm right. And who's fault is it?"

"It's not my fault. Awsten said it wasn't. He said there wasn't anything I could do!" 

"Oh Awsten said that did he? What's Awsten going to say when Ryan dies? He won't be so chill about that will he? Is he going to stay with you when you have no one else?"

"He isn't gonna die. Awsten is giving him blood. Awsten's gonna stay with us no matter what. He said it himself. And he always keeps his word. He's that kind of friend."

"Even if he does, how long is it going to last?" 

"How long is what gonna last?"

"You and him. How long until you get him killed too or he throws you away like the dirt you are?"

"No! I'm not going to date Awsten, Ryan's not gonna die and Awsten isn't gonna die! I don't love Awsten, I love Ryan. I always have and I always will."

"That's not really true though, is it?" 

"Yes it is!"

"If you really loved him you wouldn't have let this happen." 

"SHUT UP!!!" I yell and run out of the bathroom. As I'm walking back down the hall I look down at my hand. Shit, it's still bleeding. I should probably get this bandaged up. I make my way back to the waiting room and walk up to the front desk.

"Uh, excuse me? Do- do you have a bandage or something?" I ask sheepishly, not making eye contact. "I've got..." I hold up my hand.

"Oh sweetie, let me see that!" She gently grabs my wrist and turns my hand over. "I'll be right back with some gauze and rubbing alcohol. Don't go anywhere!" She moves away from the desk and goes into a back room. 

"Ok" I mumble after her.

She returns a couple minutes later with the necessary supplies. As she's cleaning it off she asks:

"How did this happen?" 

What am I going to tell her? I tried to scrub away the dirt but it's under my skin? I don't think so. 

"Uh, I scraped it on the corner of the stall door." 

"Yeah, those can be pretty sharp." She tapes the gauze down and examines her handiwork. "Well, you should be good to go!" 

"Thanks" I say quietly as I walk back to the chairs. I'm stopped halfway by the sound of Dr. Cooper's voice.

"Mr Weekes?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooooaaahhh guys about halfway through writing this chapter I thought of a really great plot twist. I'm not sure if I'll use it or not but if I do you'll know. Would you like to see a plot twist or should it just be angsts and sad? Leave a comment telling me which one. 
> 
> P.S - mayhaps I'm working on a couple oneshots that might maybe be published this week.
> 
> P.P.S - can you tell the writing gets sloppier and sloppier as the chapter progresses? It's getting late and I'm running out of steam.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading!! 
> 
> -🖤


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON'T HATE ME!!! 
> 
> I say that because of all the stuff that happens in this chapter. Anyways, notes:
> 
> Wow this book is a LOT longer than I though it would be! I'm kinda gonna stretch it out. I'm thinking maybe four or five more full length chapters and I'll prolly have to add a filler. ALSO, this chapter gets a bit iffy at times but I promise nothing happens.

Ryan's POV

I'm frozen. I can't move. I need to. I want to, but I just can't make my legs do anything. Dallon's screaming at me to get on the ground. He's scared for me. 

"I SAID GET THE FUCK DOWN!" 

I was right. This was no accident. He makes it seem like he's not only here for me. I look down at Dallon, who's still desperately trying to pull me down. I want to get on the ground. But I can't. All the memories are running through my head. I'm frozen with fear.

Because I'd know that voice anywhere.

Ronnie.

//flashback\\\ (2017 or thereabouts)

"So why do good girls like bad guys?   
So come on I gotta know!   
So come on I gotta know!  
Bitch you gave me the fucking slap!" Ronnie sings. "Thank you and goodnight!" We all run off stage. 

"Hey Ryan!" I turn to see Ronnie walking towards me. "You wanna come over? Have a drink at my place?" 

"For sure!" I start towards where the rest of the band is. "You guys comi-" Ronnie cuts me off before the rest of the band can hear.

"Auuuaah how 'bout we make it just us?" He asks nervously. That's sorta weird. 

"Oh, yeah sounds good" I give an awkward smile and follow him to his car. 

We sit mostly in silence. It would feel more awkward to turn up the radio than just sit there not talking. 

"Is there any reason you wanted it to be just us?" I question. He looks surprised.

"Oh, uh, no, not really. We just never really hang out alone anymore." I nod and go back to looking at my shoes. 

When we finally get there, he runs around and opens my door for me.

"Thanks, man." He unlocks the front door and we step inside.

"Sorry 'bout the mess.." he says, rubbing the back of his neck. 

" 's ok. You should see my place!" We laugh awkwardly for a minute.

"Do you want something to drink?" He asks, moving to stand up.

"Oh, sure! Whatever you have is fine." I smile at him as he goes to the kitchen. I pull out my phone and open up Instagram.

"Ronnie! C'mere! We're taking a picture for Instagram!" He comes back with two drinks.

"The view from the balcony's pretty sweet if you wanna take it out there..?" I nod and we walk out.

"Hey, you know what'd be funny? If we acted like we're boyfriends." Did he just say what I think he said?

"Boyfriends?" 

"Yeah, come on it'd be funny! Here, gimme a kiss on the cheek!" I guess it'd be sorta funny... ah, why not? I set up the countdown on my phone and leave it on the windowsill. I then run over, sling my arm around his neck and give him a quick peck on the cheek.

When the camera clicks I pick up my phone and show it to Ronnie.

"Heeyy! That turned out really good! Now what caption do we put so people know we're not actually dating?" 

"I got something" I pull up Instagram and type in: "two bros, kissin on a balcony two inches apart cause they're totally not gay (we really aren't)" 

I post it and Ronnie likes it almost instantly. He leaves a comment saying: "if only... looking good, Seaman! 😂😂 (I'm kidding)" 

He picks up a drink and hands it to me.

"What do you want to do?" 

"I dunno...what video games do you have?"

"Call of duty? That's kinda the only two player one."

"Sure!" I pick up a controller and we start playing. 45 minutes later, we're tied at 2-2. 

"Alright, last one, tie breaker!" I declare and rub my hands together. He shifts a little closer to me.

"You're sitting awfully close." I chuckled. "Ready to start?" He's just staring at me, a faint smile on his lips. I wave a hand in front of his face. "Hellooo? We need ya back on earth, Ron" he jumps slightly.

"Oh, yeah, sorry. Dunno what that was about. I'm just tired I guess." We both make a move to pick up the controller at the same time and our hands brush against each other. He looks at me, a blush creeping up his cheeks. We stay frozen for a moment, looking each other in the eyes with our hands still touching. This is getting kinda weird.

It gets weirder when he starts to lean in. I can't do this. I quickly move my hand and put a finger on his lips, pushing him away. I've gotta try to spare his feelings as best I can.

"Ronnie, look. I really like you and-"

"No no no no! It's ok. I shouldn't have... that was a stupid thing to do."

"It's not you- I mean- You're great but I just don't think...-"

"No, it's really- it's fine. Just.. forget anything happened, ok? Do you want another drink?" 

"Yeah that'd be great, thanks" ok... things seem pretty normal.. it'll be a bit awkward for a while but it's ok. It's just a little crush, he'll get over it. He comes back a few minutes later with another two drinks. One is tinted very slightly green. I think nothing of it and accept the glass.

"Thanks" 

"So we're cool?" He still looks worried, but there's something else behind his eyes now. Something... lustful, almost... menacing. I'm probably just imagining it.

"Yeah, we're totally fine." I take a sip of my drink. It tastes funny and I start feeling a little woozy. "Ronnie... what's in this drink?"

"Shhhhh..." he moves closer to me.

“Ronnie, seriously, what did you put in this drink? Did you drug me?”

He doesn’t say anything. My vision is starting to go sorta blurry and my brain feels fuzzy.

"Rnnie.. I don't... I don't wanna kiss youuu.." my words are slurred. 

"Aw, sure you do! It's not like there's anyone else you'd be interested in!" 

"No.. I'm not gonna do anythin' with you... I don't love you." I say, pushing him away. I move to stand up but he gently grasps my wrist.

"Ryan, we both know you want this.." he tightens his grip.

"No! Geddoffa me...!" 

"Baby, come on..." he pulls me back down and leans in close. "You want this as much as I do," his breath is hot in my ear. 

“No I don’t. Ronnie, stop.” 

"I love you, I want- no, I need you..." he licks a stripe up my neck and moves to kiss me yet again. I wrench my hand free and stumble away.

"S-stay the fuck a..way from m-me, Ronnie." I back away and reach for the door handle. 

"Ry, Baby, wait!" I ignore him and run out of the house. Once I'm far enough away, I pull out my phone and call a cab. 

I sink into the back seat, black spots dancing across my vision. Whatever was in that drink must've been pretty strong. I pull out my phone. 18 missed calls and 42 texts from Ronnie. Fine. I'll send him one last message. 

Ryan: I'm leaving the band. I never want to hear from you again. I want nothing to do with you. If you leave me alone and never try to talk to me again I won't call the police.

Ronnie: Aw, Baby, don't say that. We’re meant to be, Ry.

I quickly block his number and step out of the cab. 

//End of flashback\\\

Everything happens so fast. I don't even really realize what's going on until I see blood dripping through my fingers.

"D-Dallon?" My voice is shaky and high. I don't sound like myself. The next thing I know, I'm lying on the ground and Dallon is screaming something. 

"Dal- Dal it's him." My voice is barely more than a whisper. He doesn't hear me.

He looks down again and starts to say something but I can't really hear. It sounds like "hold on". Then I realize something. He was proposing. Holy shit, he wants me to marry him! 

"Ry?" 

"Finish. F-finish what you were s-saying." There are tears in his eyes. He takes a deep breath and puts his hand on my cheek.

"Ryan Eric Seaman, will you marry me?"

"Yes... of.. of course I'll m-marry you, Dal" I say, my vision starting to go blurry and dark.

This sounds crazy, I mean, I just got shot by my jealous ex-bandmate and I'm happy. Ecstatic, even. As the last of my vision fades, I see Dallon getting dragged off of me and paramedics surrounding me. 

I get to marry the love of my life. Everything's going to be ok because I get to marry Dallon Weekes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woaaahh that was intense. I'm sorry again. I'm really not sure what I want to do with this book. If I feel like it later, (after I'm done writing some other stories) I might pick it up and add onto it. I'm sorry, I know I said there might be a book of oneshots out last week but I've been busy and this book is my top priority! Once again, thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me to read your comments and watch the number of reads go up! And one more thing, I had to look up pictures of Ryan and Ronnie together and listen to some of their music for this chapter as research so I hope you guys are grateful! 
> 
> -🖤


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, back to present times. How we doin? We doin' ok? Good. I've run into some writers' block but I'll do my best to update :) Also sorry about the short chapter :/

Dallon's POV

"Mr Weekes?"

I whip my head around. 

"Is there any news?!" 

"Yes. Would you like the good news or the bad news first?" The bad news? There can't be bad news! 

"The g-good news."

"Well, the blood transfusion was a success." If that's the good news then what else could've gone wrong?

"Then what's the bad news?" My hands are fisted in my shirt. 

"I'm afraid there have been more... complications.." my hands clench tighter.

"W-What kind of complications? What happened? Is he-" I pause to try and steady my voice, all to no avail. "Is he gonna be ok?" I'm barely breathing.

"I'm so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this but..." don't say it. Please, god, no don't say it. "I'm afraid he's not going to make it."

My heart stops. 

"What?"

"I'm so sorry. We've done everything we can."

"Is this some kind of sick joke?!" This can't be real. My vision is starting to go blurry. I'm gonna vomit.

"I'm sorry. There's nothing else that can be done."

"Why? Tell me exactly why you can't save him." Tears are streaming down my cheeks and my breathing is ragged.

"One of the bullets punctured his lung. There's really no coming back from that." 

I open my mouth to plead again when I see Awsten walking down the hall towards us. He speeds up into a jog when he sees us. I shove past Dr. Cooper and meet him halfway. 

"Dallon, what-" I pull him into a tight hug. "Is he gonna-" I shake my head and bury my face in the crook of his neck. (I had to bend down obviously). I feel his shoulders start to shake.

"There's not- there's not any chance?" I lift my head and look back at Dr. Cooper. He shakes his head sadly. "D-Dallon, I'm so, so sorry" Awsten sobs into my chest.

We stay like that for what feels like forever, locked in a tight hug. I was probably crushing him but he didn't seem to mind. I suck in a shaky breath and step away.

"W-what room?" I'm still sobbing. Normally I'd be embarrassed about anyone seeing me cry, but right now that's definitely the least of my problems.

"279."

I look back at Awsten, who's just slumped against the doorframe, staring blankly.

"Awsten? I-I'm gonna g-go s-see him." He straightens up a bit.

"D-Dallon I don't think that's a good idea... you're not in the right state of mind to go see him." 

"I'm f-fine, please, I just- wanna see m-my boyfr- fiancé."

"Dallon, I really don't think it's a good idea," He grabs my wrist. "Just take some time to calm down, clear your head."

"I-I'm fine." I try to pull my hand free but he's surprisingly strong.

"You're not fine. You're stuttering, every second word is a sob and you're shaking like crazy." 

"Please." I look at him pleadingly. "I- we just- Awsten, Please." He sighs and lets go.

"Ok, but I'm coming with you and I'll be right outside."

I nod slowly and walk toward the elevator, still holding his hand in a vice grip.

"Is he even awake?" Awsten asks once we've stepped inside. Shit, is he? What if he's not and I don't even get to say goodbye?! That stupid voice in the back of my head was right. This is all my fault! I should've jumped in front of him. And now he's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about and-

I'm snapped out of my spiralling thoughts by Awsten's voice. I'm now staring blankly, tears running down my face.

"Hey, Dal, buddy, come back to me. Everything's gonna be ok. C'mere." He steps forward and puts his arms around my waist, trapping my arms against my body. I pull them out and wrap them around his torso.

"It's not, though! He's dying! The love of my life is gonna die and there's n-nothing I can fucking do ab-bout it! Fucking Christ, we were gonna g-get married b-but now that's n-never going to h-happen..." It looks like he doesn't know how to respond to that, so he just rubs my back and stroke my hair soothingly.

"Ssshhhhh... I know, I know, let it out."

By the time I've finished sobbing into his shirt, we've reached the second floor. The doors slowly slide open and we step out.

"Are you sure you don't want to wait just a little longer? I really don't think you're in the right state of mind to go see him..." 

"I-I'm fine just p-please.." He nods and gives me one final hug before I turn the doorknob and walk in.

The room is pretty big. There are two chairs next to the bed. Along with a table, a tiny sink and some beeping boxes and screens. The only one I recognize is the heart monitor. His heart rate doesn't seem to be too low. That's good, right? On the table is a lamp, a remote and several envelopes. And in the bed is Ryan. He looks so frail. He turns to me. At least he's awake?

"You're here.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the short chapter! I've been thinking about other stuff I want to write so it's been hard to find the motivation to keep going on this one. But I managed to hold off long enough to finish this chapter. Now that this one's out, I'm gonna do a 31 day Halloween/fall challenge! I'm not sure if I'll alternate the ships or not but that'll hopefully be out sometime this week! I'll have to do a lot to catch up on what I've missed already. Once again, thank you all so much for reading! I really appreciate it! I'm sorry this chapter took so long and I'll see you in the next one!
> 
> \- 🖤


	6. Chapter 6

3rd Person POV

"Of course I am," Dallon tries not to let his voice shake too much. "Awsten, are you..?"

"Y-yeah." He wipes his eyes quickly and steps into the room.

"Hey, Aws," He croaks out. "C'mere." He holds his arms out slightly and Dallon walks over to him. He doesn't mean to hug him with such force that it knocks the breath out of him but Ryan doesn't seem to mind. He just laughs quietly and puts his arms around his fiancé.

"I love you." Dallon mumbles into his shirt.

"I love you too, Dal," he says. "Am I...?" Dallon just buries his face in the crook of Ryan's neck and nods slowly. "It's ok... I figured as much..."

Awsten is standing awkwardly in the corner. Ryan notices this and calls him over. "C'mere, I want an Awsten hug." He sniffs again and shuffles over.

Dallon pulls back reluctantly and lets him in. Awsten takes his place and hesitantly puts his arms around Ryan, carefully, like he might break.

"Take care of him, yeah?" Ryan whispers, low so Dallon won't hear.

"Of course," He smiles sadly and steps back. "I'll leave you two alone. I love you, Ryan." His voice cracks and it sounds like he's only leaving to avoid bursting into tears again.

Once Awsten has left the room, Dallon pulls up a chair and grabs Ryan's hand. They sit in silence for some time, Ryan's eyes closed and his head tilted to the side. Dallon still has his hand gripped tightly in his, thinking that maybe, just maybe if he held it tight enough and didn't let go, death wouldn't tear his world away.

The only thoughts you through his head are: don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, be brave, be strong, for him.

His silent repetitions of don't cry are all to no avail. He breaks down and sobs, his shoulders shaking.

"Heyyy, hey, Dallon, it's ok, don't cry! Don't cry.."

"I t-thought you were as-sleep..?"

He shakes his head and lifts his hand to stroke Dallon's hair soothingly. "'S gonna be ok.. shhhh don't cry... I love you..." he pulls back from their hug and pushes Dallon's hair out of his face. "Hey, look at me. It's all gonna be ok."

"It's not, though! I just-" his voice breaks and he hiccups, tears still streaming down his face. "We're gonna get married! I-I wanted you to spend the rest o-of your life with m-me but not like t-this! I-I.... I don't want you to die..."

"I know.. I don't wanna leave you either, but this isn't our choice," he wipes away Dallon's tears and kiss his hand. "Satan's calling me home."

He manages a halfhearted laugh. "Untrue. I have a g-good feeling you're gonna be reincarnated a-as a w-worm on a s-string."

"Aww silly Dally! Don't you know worms on strings come from hell? They're spawns of Satan as well!"

Ryan pulls him in for another hug, wrapping his hands around Dallon's neck. He notices the ring again and examines it. It's a jet black diamond with a gold band.

"So, married, huh? You really wanted me to be your husband?" Ryan asks, hoping to distract Dallon from what's happening.

"How could I not?! Look at you! You're absolutely perfect. God, Ryan, you have no idea how much you mean to me. I'm sorry for being so cheesy, but you're my world, my everything..." he rambles, getting lost in how much he loves the boy next to him, but trails off when he's brought back to the painful reality of what's happening. "...and now.. and now it's gone.. it's gone and it's all my fault."

"No. No, no. I- No! Please, please don't think, even for one second, that this is your fault. It's not your fault I froze, it's not your fault I have jealous ex-band mates trying to kill me, it's not-"

"What? Jealous ex-band mates? Does that mean..?"

"Yeah, I'd know that voice anywhere."

"We have to find him! Unless the cops already got him..."

"That's not what's important right now. What's important now is that you know that this had nothing to do with you. I love you so, so much. And I want you to know that I will never, ever, ever stop loving you."

He places a soft kiss on the taller boy's forehead, smiling against his skin. "You smell nice."

"I'm sweaty, I've been crying, and I'm pretty sure I still have blood on my face, how can I smell nice?"

"Dunno, maybe your shampoo...?" He can hear the heart monitor beeping slower in the background but he ignores it moves his head so his lips meet his fiancé's.

"Ryan?"

"It's ok. Everything's gonna be fine."

"Ry, please don't go. I need you! What am I supposed to do without you?! I love you!" Dallon begged.

"Sshhhhh... don't worry.."

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..." He could hear the heart monitor beeping slower and slower with every passing second and tried desperately to think of something, anything that could help Ryan. He risked a quick glance at it and saw flashing in red, the words: Dangerously Low.

Ryan turned Dallon's face to look at him again. "Hey, don't pay attention to that, just look at me. It's all going to be fine. I love you too, I love you too, I love you too, I love you too, I love yo-"

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

The last word hitched in his throat but never came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry. I really don't know what I was thinking when I started writing this. I'm not sure if I'll do more chapters. If I do, it'll be about Dallon coping. I'm sorry the writing is so terrible, and I'm sorry for making this.
> 
> \- 🖤


	7. A/N

Ok, there are more chapters coming as soon as I have time! I fixed the last two chapters (they were out of order) and y’all should really go check out my Wattpad! (Welcome_to_emo_town or Weekman Central) there’s gonna be another story coming on there as soon as I finish it! As always, thanks for reading and sticking around!

-🖤


	8. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just pretend I didn't disappear from this story for like two months...
> 
> (I was updating on wattpad I just forgot to do it on here as well)

⚠️Trigger Warning For This Chapter⚠️

I'll put a warning whenever it applies so you can skip if need be.

Dallon's POV

"Dallon, Dallon, calm down. Take a breath. Come here."

I can hear someone talking but I'm not listening. It's far away and unimportant. In fact, everything seems far away. Like I'm underwater. Everything is hundreds of miles away. The endless beep of the heart monitor, the screaming, the hands pulling on my wrists...

I'm still hugging Ryan tightly, because this can't be real. This can't be happening. He's so still, so lifeless. His eyes are dull and glassy, they shouldn't look like that. They should be shining and bright. There should be light behind them as he laughs at a stupid joke I made, or stars as I pick him up suddenly and kiss his breath away.

"No. Nonononononono! RYAN! Ryan, please! Wake up! Come back! Please, you gotta come back, I can't do this without you..."

"DALLON! Look at me!" Awsten rips me away and grips my shoulders tightly. His cheeks are tear-stained and red. His eyes are glistening and watery. "It's gonna be ok, just come with me."

—————————————————————

The next few days are a blur. There are arrangements to be made, of course, but I can't bring myself to think about any of that. I haven't left the house, I've barely been eating, I haven't slept at all because when I close my eyes the only thing I see is Ryan. He's just laying there, eyes still open, but no light behind them. It's not him, not really.

—————————————————————

The Funeral

"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Ryan Eric Seaman. Beloved son and fiancé."

It's deathly silent. I'm sitting next to Awsten, holding his hand tightly, if only to keep myself even remotely grounded.

"Now, if he feels he can, would Dallon please come say a few words?" He looks at me sympathetically.

I swallow hard and look over at Awsten. He gives me a sad smile, wiping his eyes and squeezing my hand. Silently telling me it'll be ok, I can do this. Except it won't, and I can't.

I stand up slowly, hands shaking and heart beating too fast. I take another deep breath once I get to the podium.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to hear the words "we are gathered here today" at our wedding. Not at his funeral. I-I don't know what I'm going to do w-without him.."

My voice breaks a couple times and I have to swallow to keep myself from bawling my eyes out right then and there. Even though there are still tears running down my cheeks.

"And life just goes on. It just goes on for us. People are still texting me, asking how my weekend was, seeing if I want to get together for dinner sometime and- and when I tell them, they're always "s-so sorry for your l-l-loss" and "always here if y-you n-need to talk" but they're not. Not really. They're just trying to be polite. They don't really care, bec-cause it didn't happen to them."

I'm barely keeping it together. I need to stop talking before I break down or say something I'll regret. I take another deep breath and change speeds.

"He didn't deserve this. This shouldn't have happened to him! He was a good person! A-and I know this isn't what he would've wanted. I know he would've wanted me to move on and be brave but I can't. I can't do this without him..." And that's it. I burst into tears and walk quickly back to my seat. I had debated just running away completely, but that's not what he would've wanted. The least I can do is stay and sit through my fiancé's funeral.

I sit down and Awsten pulls me into a hug. I continue to sob loudly into his shoulder, wetting his jet black suit.

"It's ok. It's all gonna be ok." He tries to soothe me, but his words just make me sob harder. "It's ok, let it out. I'm here. You're gonna be fine."

"I jus-st want-t h-him back..."

"I know."

//////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️: Mentions Of Suicide

"Dallon?" I look up. "How are you doing?"

I'm standing next to his grave, my fingers carefully tracing the words etched into the stone. I lift my head and see a flash of brown hair.

"Great, I just watched them bury the love of my life 6 feet underground. So I'm doing just fine." I said bitterly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No, it's ok, I'm sorry."

"C'mere." He holds out his arms and steps forward. I fall into him and hold on tightly. He seems a little taken aback but quickly returns the sentiment.

"Listen, um," he says into my shoulder. "Geoff, Awsten and I have been talking and we think you should come stay with us for awhile. It's probably not a good idea for you to be alone right now, and especially not in your guys' house.."

"I don't-"

He pulls back. "Dallon, please. We really care about you and we don't want anything to happen to you, yeah? Ryan told Awsten to take care of you, and I don't think he could live with himself if you did anyth- if anything happened to you..."

"Oh." I look down at my feet. "Ok. I'll come stay with you guys." I mumble.

"Thank you." He hugs me again and plants a small kiss on my shoulder. "Are you ready to go or do you need some time?"

"Just give me a while, I'll be there in a few minutes."

He nods and walks away. I walk up to the grave again.

"Hey, it's me. I, um, I don't know if you can hear me. Wherever you are, if anywhere, I want you to know that I miss you, I love you and I never stop thinking about you. And I'm sorry, because this is all my fault, and now you're-" I swallow. "And now you're d-dead. We never got to get married, or see the band get big or grow old together, and it's all because of me. And if there was anything, anything at all that I could do that would bring you back, even for a little while. Just so I could see you one last time and say goodbye, I would do it I'm a heartbeat. And I know that there is something I could do but, I-I promised Otto, and I know th-that's not what you would've wanted. I only want to make you happy so, so I guess I'll stay here f-for the time being."

I can't do this anymore. I wipe my eyes and walk off, I walk quickly to Awsten's car as it's started to drizzle.

————————————————————————

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️: BLOOD, GORE, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

I've been staying at Awsten, Otto and Geoff's for about four days now. Otto stays at home with me while they're out. Just to make sure I "won't do anything I'll regret".

When I finally do sleep for the first time in weeks, I dream.

I'm in a dark room. I can't see anything but I can hear Ryan calling my name.

"Dallon? Dallon, where are you? Help me!"

"Ry! What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"Dal! Dal, please help!"

"Ryan, just follow my voice! Where are you?!"

"NO! Nonononopleasedonthurtme! PLEASE! DAL!"

Three shots. A scream. The sickening thud of a body hitting the floor.

"Oh god no. No, not again!" I yelled, stumbling around in the darkness, trying to find Ryan.

"Dallon?" A hand is on my shoulder. "Dallon, why didn't you help me?"

I whip around, greeted by Ryan. But it's not him, not really. He's covered in blood, it's dripping down his stomach and smeared on his face. One of his eyes is gone and there are only gaping holes where there should be skin.

"Dallon, why? Why didn't you help me?" He looks hurt, so betrayed.

"I-I tried. But I couldn't find you."

"Why didn't you try harder? Dallon it hurts so bad! It's your fault!"

"I know, I'm so sorry!" I know it's not really him, but part of me wants it to be. Even if it's not him, even if it's just his body, just a dream, just my guilt talking, it's still better than nothing at all.

"Dallon, please help!"

"What's wrong? What do you need?" I step forward, reaching out for him.

"I need- I need you to understand." He beckons me closer.

"Understand what?" I ask, still moving forward.

"I need you to understand what it feels like." He pulls out a small pistol, seemingly from nowhere.

"Ryan, what are you doing?" He doesn't respond, he just reaches into one of the holes in his stomach and pulls out a bullet. Then he starts loading the gun. "Ryan? You don't want to do this. Please don't."

I try to run but can't seem to move my feet.

"Oh, I think I do want to do this."

"Please, Ryan, I don't want to have to-"

"Have to what? Hurt me?" He laughs bitterly. "You couldn't do it."

"Yes I could. I-I don't want to, but I can."

"Oh really? Do it then." He holds out the loaded gun to me. "Do it, blow my brains out."

"I-" I start to back away.

"Paint the walls with my blood. Just one little pull of the trigger and I'll be gone. Dead."

"Ryan, please, just-"

"See? I knew you wouldn't." He laughs. But it's not his usual warm, kind, happy laugh that he always had when he was alive, no. It's cold. It's dead and decaying. Like his whole spirit is coming apart at the seams, and all it needs is one little nudge to tip it over the edge and it'll come apart entirely.

He holds up the gun again and points it at me.

"Ryan, please! This isn't you! You weren't like this!"

"People change, Dally."

Before I can began to move or even try to scream, he pulls the trigger.

Third Person POV

Dallon jolted awake, screaming and gasping for air.

"Dallon?!" Awsten came running in. "Dal, calm down, it was just a dream." He tries to soothe his friend, who's still gasping and shaking, mouth open in a silent wail.

"It was- he- it wasn't him- he-"

"Dallon, come here, what happened in the dream, do you want to talk about it?" Awsten asked, sitting down and wrapping his arms around Dallon.

"He- he had- and he was gonna-"

"Hey, look at me. Deep breaths. C'mere." He shuffled down the bed so that they were lying next to each other, Dallon hugging Awsten tightly to his chest and Awsten stroking his hair and back.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. We don't have to talk about it if you don't feel ready."

"He was gonna kill me. Because I d-didn't save him." Dallon's voice was small and scared, barely audible, and when it was, half of the words were choked off by tears.

"It's ok, it wasn't real. He would never do that, you know that, right? He loved you so, so much."

"But it felt so real!" He cried, burying his face in Awsten's neck.

"I know, they always do. How long has it been since you slept?"

"T-this is the first time I-I've slept for more than 45 minutes since... since.. since Ryan d-died." Saying the words again obviously struck something inside him, because he burst into tears again. Sobs wrenched themselves from his body, wracking him with a pain he never knew possible.

"Why?! W-why did this happen t-to him?! He was a g-good p-pers-son!"

"I know, Dal, and I don't know why this happened to him. It shouldn't have been him." Awsten said, voice breaking as tears began to roll down his cheeks.

They lay there for the rest of the night, quietly crying in each others' arms. Eventually Dallon drifted off to sleep again, no dreams this time. Just uneasy darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok before we go any further, I wanna clear something up. Dallon and Awsten's , Dallon and Otto's and Dallon and Geoff's relationships in this are purely platonic! It may seem like there's maybe buildup to something but it's just cause they all need extra comfort, ok? Ok. I’m not sure how many more chapters there'll be cause I'm not sure how I want it to end. There are a couple different possibilities. I'm sorry this took so long and I'll see you all next time! 
> 
> \- 🖤


	9. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just pretend I didn't disappear from this story for like two months...
> 
> (I was updating on wattpad I just forgot to do it on here as well)

⚠️Trigger Warning For This Chapter⚠️

I'll put a warning whenever it applies so you can skip if need be.

_ **Dallon’s POV** _

"Dallon, Dallon, calm down. Take a breath. Come here."

I can hear someone talking but I'm not listening. It's far away and unimportant. In fact, everything seems far away. Like I'm underwater. Everything is hundreds of miles away. The endless beep of the heart monitor, the screaming, the hands pulling on my wrists...

I'm still hugging Ryan tightly, because this can't be real. This can't be happening. He's so still, so lifeless. His eyes are dull and glassy, they shouldn't look like that. They should be shining and bright. There should be light behind them as he laughs at a stupid joke I made, or stars as I pick him up suddenly and kiss his breath away.

"No. Nonononononono! RYAN! Ryan, please! Wake up! Come back! Please, you gotta come back, I can't do this without you..."

"DALLON! Look at me!" Awsten rips me away and grips my shoulders tightly. His cheeks are tear-stained and red. His eyes are glistening and watery. "It's gonna be ok, just come with me."

—————————————————————

The next few days are a blur. There are arrangements to be made, of course, but I can't bring myself to think about any of that. I haven't left the house, I've barely been eating, I haven't slept at all because when I close my eyes the only thing I see is Ryan. He's just laying there, eyes still open, but no light behind them. It's not him, not really.

—————————————————————

The Funeral

"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Ryan Eric Seaman. Beloved son and fiancé."

It's deathly silent. I'm sitting next to Awsten, holding his hand tightly, if only to keep myself even remotely grounded.

"Now, if he feels he can, would Dallon please come say a few words?" He looks at me sympathetically.

I swallow hard and look over at Awsten. He gives me a sad smile, wiping his eyes and squeezing my hand. Silently telling me it'll be ok, I can do this. Except it won't, and I can't.

I stand up slowly, hands shaking and heart beating too fast. I take another deep breath once I get to the podium.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to hear the words "we are gathered here today" at our wedding. Not at his funeral. I-I don't know what I'm going to do w-without him.."

My voice breaks a couple times and I have to swallow to keep myself from bawling my eyes out right then and there. Even though there are still tears running down my cheeks.

"And life just goes on. It just goes on for us. People are still texting me, asking how my weekend was, seeing if I want to get together for dinner sometime and- and when I tell them, they're always "s-so sorry for your l-l-loss" and "always here if y-you n-need to talk" but they're not. Not really. They're just trying to be polite. They don't really care, bec-cause it didn't happen to them."

I'm barely keeping it together. I need to stop talking before I break down or say something I'll regret. I take another deep breath and change speeds.

"He didn't deserve this. This shouldn't have happened to him! He was a good person! A-and I know this isn't what he would've wanted. I know he would've wanted me to move on and be brave but I can't. I can't do this without him..." And that's it. I burst into tears and walk quickly back to my seat. I had debated just running away completely, but that's not what he would've wanted. The least I can do is stay and sit through my fiancé's funeral.

I sit down and Awsten pulls me into a hug. I continue to sob loudly into his shoulder, wetting his jet black suit.

"It's ok. It's all gonna be ok." He tries to soothe me, but his words just make me sob harder. "It's ok, let it out. I'm here. You're gonna be fine."

"I jus-st want-t h-him back..."

"I know."

//////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️: Mentions Of Suicide

"Dallon?" I look up. "How are you doing?"

I'm standing next to his grave, my fingers carefully tracing the words etched into the stone. I lift my head and see a flash of brown hair.

"Great, I just watched them bury the love of my life 6 feet underground. So I'm doing just fine." I said bitterly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No, it's ok, I'm sorry."

"C'mere." He holds out his arms and steps forward. I fall into him and hold on tightly. He seems a little taken aback but quickly returns the sentiment.

"Listen, um," he says into my shoulder. "Geoff, Awsten and I have been talking and we think you should come stay with us for awhile. It's probably not a good idea for you to be alone right now, and especially not in your guys' house.."

"I don't-"

He pulls back. "Dallon, please. We really care about you and we don't want anything to happen to you, yeah? Ryan told Awsten to take care of you, and I don't think he could live with himself if you did anyth- if anything happened to you..."

"Oh." I look down at my feet. "Ok. I'll come stay with you guys." I mumble.

"Thank you." He hugs me again and plants a small kiss on my shoulder. "Are you ready to go or do you need some time?"

"Just give me a while, I'll be there in a few minutes."

He nods and walks away. I walk up to the grave again.

"Hey, it's me. I, um, I don't know if you can hear me. Wherever you are, if anywhere, I want you to know that I miss you, I love you and I never stop thinking about you. And I'm sorry, because this is all my fault, and now you're-" I swallow. "And now you're d-dead. We never got to get married, or see the band get big or grow old together, and it's all because of me. And if there was anything, anything at all that I could do that would bring you back, even for a little while. Just so I could see you one last time and say goodbye, I would do it I'm a heartbeat. And I know that there is something I could do but, I-I promised Otto, and I know th-that's not what you would've wanted. I only want to make you happy so, so I guess I'll stay here f-for the time being."

I can't do this anymore. I wipe my eyes and walk off, I walk quickly to Awsten's car as it's started to drizzle.

—————————————————————

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️: BLOOD, GORE, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

I've been staying at Awsten, Otto and Geoff's for about four days now. Otto stays at home with me while they're out. Just to make sure I "won't do anything I'll regret".

When I finally do sleep for the first time in weeks, I dream.

I'm in a dark room. I can't see anything but I can hear Ryan calling my name.

"Dallon? Dallon, where are you? Help me!"

"Ry! What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"Dal! Dal, please help!"

"Ryan, just follow my voice! Where are you?!"

"NO! Nonononopleasedonthurtme! PLEASE! DAL!"

Three shots. A scream. The sickening thud of a body hitting the floor.

"Oh god no. No, not again!" I yelled, stumbling around in the darkness, trying to find Ryan.

"Dallon?" A hand is on my shoulder. "Dallon, why didn't you help me?"

I whip around, greeted by Ryan. But it's not him, not really. He's covered in blood, it's dripping down his stomach and smeared on his face. One of his eyes is gone and there are only gaping holes where there should be skin.

"Dallon, why? Why didn't you help me?" He looks hurt, so betrayed.

"I-I tried. But I couldn't find you."

"Why didn't you try harder? Dallon it hurts so bad! It's your fault!"

"I know, I'm so sorry!" I know it's not really him, but part of me wants it to be. Even if it's not him, even if it's just his body, just a dream, just my guilt talking, it's still better than nothing at all.

"Dallon, please help!"

"What's wrong? What do you need?" I step forward, reaching out for him.

"I need- I need you to understand." He beckons me closer.

"Understand what?" I ask, still moving forward.

"I need you to understand what it feels like." He pulls out a small pistol, seemingly from nowhere.

"Ryan, what are you doing?" He doesn't respond, he just reaches into one of the holes in his stomach and pulls out a bullet. Then he starts loading the gun. "Ryan? You don't want to do this. Please don't."

I try to run but can't seem to move my feet.

"Oh, I think I do want to do this."

"Please, Ryan, I don't want to have to-"

"Have to what? Hurt me?" He laughs bitterly. "You couldn't do it."

"Yes I could. I-I don't want to, but I can."

"Oh really? Do it then." He holds out the loaded gun to me. "Do it, blow my brains out."

"I-" I start to back away.

"Paint the walls with my blood. Just one little pull of the trigger and I'll be gone. Dead."

"Ryan, please, just-"

"See? I knew you wouldn't." He laughs. But it's not his usual warm, kind, happy laugh that he always had when he was alive, no. It's cold. It's dead and decaying. Like his whole spirit is coming apart at the seams, and all it needs is one little nudge to tip it over the edge and it'll come apart entirely.

He holds up the gun again and points it at me.

"Ryan, please! This isn't you! You weren't like this!"

"People change, Dally."

Before I can began to move or even try to scream, he pulls the trigger.

_ **Third Person POV** _

Dallon jolted awake, screaming and gasping for air.

"Dallon?!" Awsten came running in. "Dal, calm down, it was just a dream." He tries to soothe his friend, who's still gasping and shaking, mouth open in a silent wail.

"It was- he- it wasn't him- he-"

"Dallon, come here, what happened in the dream, do you want to talk about it?" Awsten asked, sitting down and wrapping his arms around Dallon.

"He- he had- and he was gonna-"

"Hey, look at me. Deep breaths. C'mere." He shuffled down the bed so that they were lying next to each other, Dallon hugging Awsten tightly to his chest and Awsten stroking his hair and back.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. We don't have to talk about it if you don't feel ready."

"He was gonna kill me. Because I d-didn't save him." Dallon's voice was small and scared, barely audible, and when it was, half of the words were choked off by tears.

"It's ok, it wasn't real. He would never do that, you know that, right? He loved you so, so much."

"But it felt so real!" He cried, burying his face in Awsten's neck.

"I know, they always do. How long has it been since you slept?"

"T-this is the first time I-I've slept for more than 45 minutes since... since.. since Ryan d-died." Saying the words again obviously struck something inside him, because he burst into tears again. Sobs wrenched themselves from his body, wracking him with a pain he never knew possible.

"Why?! W-why did this happen t-to him?! He was a g-good p-pers-son!"

"I know, Dal, and I don't know why this happened to him. It shouldn't have been him." Awsten said, voice breaking as tears began to roll down his cheeks.

They lay there for the rest of the night, quietly crying in each others' arms. Eventually Dallon drifted off to sleep again, no dreams this time. Just uneasy darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok before we go any further, I wanna clear something up. Dallon and Awsten's , Dallon and Otto's and Dallon and Geoff's relationships in this are purely platonic! It may seem like there's maybe buildup to something but it's just cause they all need extra comfort, ok? Ok. I’m not sure how many more chapters there'll be cause I'm not sure how I want it to end. There are a couple different possibilities. I'm sorry this took so long and I'll see you all next time! 
> 
> \- 🖤


	10. 8

**Ryan’s POV**

_What happened? Where am I?_


	11. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didja miss me?

3rd Person POV

Something wasn't right. Though, nothing really felt right anymore. But Dallon knew tonight was going to be bad. 

When he woke up, he felt worse than usual. The weight on his chest was heavier than most days. It was like it was dragging him down, closer and closer to that final tipping point. He wasn't sure what would happen when he was finally pulled over the edge, but it couldn't be good.

Everyone said it would get easier, that it would be hard for awhile, but things would eventually settle again. But it seemed like every day he would wake up feeling worse. Sure, there were days when he thought that maybe, just maybe, things were getting better after all, but it never lasted.

It was as if he was climbing a mountain, and as he climbed, things started to feel stable. And the more he climbed—the closer he got to that highest peak—the harder he hit the ground when he was inevitably dragged back down. 

It was days like this when Dallon wished a hole would open in the floor and swallow him up. Days like this when he felt like he was teetering just on the edge of the cliff of that final tipping point, and all it would take was just one thing—one person, one word—to shove him off into the abyss.

On days like these he just wanted to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, he could see everything again, could hear everything again. The blood, the sound of the shots, the way Ryan gasped as the first bullet connected.

Dallon shook his head vigorously, rubbing his eyes as he tried to rid his brain of the unwanted images. 

Dallon glanced at the clock, groaning as he saw 3:17 AM flashing in red. Ok, so maybe not "days", but you get the point. It was clear he wouldn't be sleeping again any time soon, so he sat up, groping around in the dark for the light. 

He was never usually like this. But it felt like the silence was suffocating him, and if he didn't get out, he'd die. So there he was, contemplating where to go as he reached for his shoes. 

A small part of him wanted to go to the cemetery, but he hadn't been back since the funeral and it just seemed like too much. But he had a strong feeling that was where the night would end up taking him. 

As he tiptoed down the stairs he saw his friends curled up on the couch together, the title screen for whatever movie they were watching still on the TV as they slept. He couldn't help feeling jealous. They still had each other. Who did he have? No one.

He shook his head, trying to dispel the resentful thoughts as he stopped next to the door to get his keys. Was he really going to go back home? 

The question was answered for him as his feet carried him back through his neighbourhood. As he stood in front of their- well, his house, he swallowed hard, hands shaking badly.

It hadn't ever seemed this daunting. And it shouldn't. It was home, that's all it was, right? It was still home, just... without Ryan.

He took a deep breath as he walked up the steps, and another one as he unlocked the door. 

Despite the temperature and time of year, he shivered as he stepped inside. The lights were all off, and it was pretty much just as he had left it. Minus the dog toys that had been taken when Awsten had come to get Zero. 

He flipped the lights on as he rounded the corner into the living room, jamming his hands into his pockets to try and stop them from shaking. He really didn't know why he did, it wasn't like anyone could see him, could see how scared he was. Maybe it was that he needed to prove something to himself. To prove that he could be back there without breaking down.

As he climbed the stairs, the panicked feeling that had been steadily rising in his heart since he had stepped in the house was further amplified. It was just... so quiet. 

He didn't know what he had been hoping for as he opened the bedroom door. Had he really been hoping deep down, that he would open the door and see Ryan sleeping soundly, sunlight filtering through the blinds to cast a golden light on his face? And he would stand there, looking at him fondly while holding a cup of coffee, just as he had almost every morning. 

And realistically, beyond all reasonable doubt, he knew that that was impossible, but he couldn't help pleading silently as he turned the doorknob. 

The bed was made, just as they had left it. He didn't bother turning the lights on, simply flopping down on the bed and mashing his face into the pillows. He breathed in deeply, laughing bitterly on the exhale at the fact that the covers still held his fiancé's smell. A strangely comforting mix of Ryan's cologne and hair product, but something sweeter underneath. Something more like vanilla or butterscotch. 

⚠️ Mild trigger warning up ahead! Proceed with caution ⚠️ 

He rolled over, walking to the window and opening it. He didn't know why he had expected someone to have done anything to it, no one had been here. He could still carefully make his way onto the roof, and to the small ledge that they had discovered shortly after moving in.

He couldn't count the amount of nights they had spent up there, watching the sunset, stargazing, talking about everything and nothing in particular.

He didn't know how long he sat out there then, arms wrapped around his legs, and chin resting on his knees, watching the stars. He felt tears prick his eyes as a shooting star flashed across the sky.

"I want him back," he whispered hoarsely, voice breaking as he fought off the tears that were threatening to overwhelm him; because if he started crying again now, he might never stop. 

He took a few shaky breaths and stood up, taking a step towards the edge. It would be so easy, so simple. It would just be one step and everything would be over. Just one step and—his foot hovered over the edge, the breeze ruffling his hair slightly as he stared out at the lightening horizon.

He blinked back more tears and shook his head, stepping backwards and making his way back into their bedroom through the window. 

As he turned the lock in the door, he pulled out his phone to check the time. 5:47. He still had time.

Trigger warning over

He trudged down the street, he sang quietly to himself. "Can I die away from you? What you do, it isn't ordinary too... there's nothing to do, but lie... guess I'll die, guess I'll die, a lonely guy..."

It wasn't long before he found himself standing at the tall iron gates in front of the cemetery. 

"What you got is what I need... no sympathy, will you ever get from me..."

He sighed and fell silent, standing over Ryan's grave. 

"Hey, it's me..." he started, feeling a little foolish, "I really don't know what I'm doing here... I guess I just wanted to say that... not a day goes by without me missing you," he said matter-of-factly, "I either sleep way too much or not at all," he paused, trying to find what to say.

"It hurts, you know? To be without you. It's hard to think, hard to breathe... all I do is miss you," He sucked in a shaky breath, swallowing hard. "And... I know you're not coming back. Ever. But, I just- I don't know how much longer I can do this. I need you... so please, please, just- come back."

He rested his hand on the headstone for a moment, before slowly picking his way back down the hill. 

He quietly made his way back up the back up the stairs, taking off his shoes before falling back into bed, drifting into an uneasy slumber. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ding dong

Dallon groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, pulling the covers over his head. 

"I got it!" He heard Otto call as he jumped up from the couch. Whoever was at the door started talking to Otto. It was muffled, but he could still make out some of what they were saying.

"Oh my god! I- sorry, I, uhh, I wasn't really expecting to see you!"

"I didn't mean to intrude, I was just looking for Dallon?" 

Ugh. Of course they were. Dallon didn't know how many more well-meaning visitors he could take. Usually, either Awsten, Otto or Geoff would text him and tell him who it was, so he could see if he wanted to see them, but there went y any signs of a message.

"Oh, uh, yeah. I'll go get him." 

Great. Thanks, Otto. 

"Hey, Dal?" He asked gently as he opened the door.

Dallon groaned and mumbled out something that might be a greeting.

"There's someone here for you."

"No." He grumbled, rolling over so Otto couldn't see the dark circles under his eyes and his tear-stained cheeks.

"You're gonna wanna see him. Please, just come downst-"

"I don't wanna see anyone, Otto." He cut him off. 

"You should get up; you've been in bed all day. It's almost 5:00," Otto frowned. "Dallon, look at me."

He turned over as much as possible without showing Otto his face to glare at him out of the corner of his eye. 

"You don't have to stay long, just come downstairs, say hi, and if you still don't wanna talk to him, I'll make up an excuse and you can come back up here. Deal?" 

Well, he clearly wasn't going to leave until he say he'd see whoever was at the door. 

"Fine. Jus' gimme a sec," Dallon sighed, sitting up and stumbling out of bed as he heard Otto's footsteps descending back downstairs.

He pulled on a pair of jeans and a hoodie and dragged his hands down his face in a futile attempt to cover up his lack of sleep.

As he stumbled out of the guest room he could hear Awsten and Geoff's hushed whispers. 

"Are you sure it's him?"

"Yes, I'm sure it's him, you idiot!" 

Dallon felt his heart sinking directly into his stomach as he stepped around the corner. 

"What are you doing here?" He asked, folding his arms across his chest. 

"So no hug, then?" 

Dallon just glared at him. 

The other man sighed. "I'm sorry, I just- I heard about..." he made a few vague hand gestures, "I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. I shouldn't have shown up unannounced, I'm sorry. Maybe I should just-" he turned towards the door.

"No, Brendon, just-" Dallon rubbed his temples as he sighed. "Let's talk outside." 

Brendon opened the door and stepped outside into the the drizzling rain.

"So," Dallon started, pulling his sleeves down over his hands and wrapping his arms around his body. "Why are you really here?" 

"I told you! I'm here because I heard about.. y'know... and you didn't text so I figured I would come see how you were doing. I thought you'd be happy to see me."

"Why would I text? Why would I be happy to see you?" He asked indignantly.

"Because that's what friends do? Text, and see each other?" Brendon said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"We aren't friends," Dallon laughed bitterly. "I quit the band for a reason."

Hurt flashed across Brendon's face, and Dallon tried not to care, but he couldn't help the way his heart twinged when he saw Brendon's face fall briefly.

"Well, what if I wanted to change that?" He mumbled, casting his gaze down and fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. 

"Jesus Fucking Christ, so you mean to tell me," Dallon began, "That we don't talk for 3 years, you find out about my fiancé dying on twitter and you think now would be a good time to come back into my life- for what? So we can be friends again?" 

"Dal-"

"Don't 'Dal' me. What, are things not going well with Sarah? Do you wanna get back together?" He added sarcastically.

"Listen, I just-"

Dallon scoffed. "You are unbelievable! And if you think there would ever be a chance I'd let you back into my life, you are completely insane. Because you're a manipulative little shit. I despise you."

"Well that seems a little harsh.." Brendon made a weak attempt to defend himself.

"Oh, is it? But all of the things you said about me weren't? You're a repulsive snake," Dallon snarled. 

Brendon looked shocked, eyes glistening with tears that threatened to spill over. 

"Y-you don't mean that." 

Dallon took a step back, regret showing plainly on his face, before running a hand through his hair and yanking hard. He sighed shakily.

"God, fuck, you're right. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean any of it. This isn't- I haven't been myself..." His voice started to break, tears welling in his eyes yet again. Brendon stepped forward and enveloped him in a warm hug. Dallon flinched, but sank into his arms nonetheless. "And- and seeing you a-again just... it just dug things up..."

"Hey, it's ok. It's perfectly normal to be angry. And you have every right to be furious with me. I was... horrible," He took a deep breath before continuing, "Can we have a fresh start?"

Dallon nodded slowly, stepping back and smoothing down Brendon's shirt. Brendon cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair. 

"Can I take you out? For dinner, or something?"

"I don't really..."

"Dal-" Dallon gave him a harsh look. "Right, sorry, still not there yet. Dallon, come on, you've gotta get out of the house."

Dallon nervously chewed on his lip, avoiding Brendon's gaze. He hesitated before answering: "Yeah, okay, fine." 

Brendon grinned, reaching for Dallon's hand as he started down the front steps. Dallon flinched away, banging his knuckles on the handrail as he did so. 

"Sorry," he mumbled, shaking out his hand. "Old habits die hard, I guess, right?" 

He grabbed for Dallon's hand, hurt briefly darkening his face as Dallon pulled back a second time.

"I should, uhh, I should tell them I'm going out. They worry about me." Dallon shouldered past Brendon, doing his best to avoid brushing up against him.

Brendon nodded and cast his gaze downward, digging into the step with the toe of his shoe.

All three of the Waterparks boys were crouched at the top of the stairs, clearly trying to listen in on Brendon and Dallon's conversation, all to no avail.

"Oh! Dallon, we were just-" Geoff started, leaping up.

"I know you guys were trying to spy, so you don't have to come up with an excuse. I'm, uhhh, I'm going out with Brendon, I guess," He reached for a random jacket on the coat rack, but hesitated and swallowed hard when his fingers brushed past his 'Leave Me Alone' jacket. "I didn't know you guys kept this..." he he mumbled as he turned the fabric over in his hands, noticing almost immediately that there were still a few large spots that were darker than others.

"Uh, yeah, we didn't know what you wanted to do with it... we put it through the wash and tried to get as much of the bl- the stains out as possible," Geoff told him. "We can throw it out if you want...?"

"Y-yeah, please," he gulped, dropping it suddenly. He blinked back more tears and grabbed a plain dark grey bomber. "Anyway, I dunno how long I'll be... don't wait up."

Geoff nodded 

"Oh- Wait!" Otto quickly padded down the stairs. "Where are you guys going?"

"I dunno- I- I'll see you guys in a little bit." He said quietly, shutting the front door behind him. 

Brendon gave him a small smile and lead him to his car, reaching to open the door for Dallon.

"I got it," He mumbled, doing it himself. Brendon stood there awkwardly, before sighing and walking around to his side.

"So, how have you been holding up?" Brendon asked as he did up his seatbelt.

"Not great..." 

Brendon opened his mouth to speak, but Dallon cut him off.

"I really don't wanna get into it."

"Are you sure? I mean, it'd help to let it out, wouldn't it?" He glanced over briefly. 

"No, I- you just- you wouldn't understand," he sighed, picking at his nails. Brendon frowned, but turned back to the road.

"Where do you wanna go?" He asked somewhat awkwardly, more to break the uncomfortable silence than anything.

"I dunno.. I'm good with whatever you want," he said quietly, clearly regretting allowing Brendon to take him out. 

"Denny's it is," Brendon grinned, turning into the parking lot. 

A smile ghosted across Dallon's lips for the first time in about 3 weeks as memories of Denny's parking lots at 3:00 AM on tour came flooding back.

"You haven't changed a bit," he said, glancing up at Brendon.

"I dunno, I like to think I'm a better person than I was back then," Brendon countered. 

Dallon nodded, falling silent again. He was definitely not convinced of Brendon's claims.

"So, what are you getting?" Brendon asked once they were seated.

"Maybe just a coffee... I'm not super hungry these days," Dallon mumbled, letting his hands fall to his lap.

"C'mon, man, you need to eat. Because, no offence, you look like shit. Are you sleeping at all?" 

"Well, it's not any-"

"Or eating? Drinking? You never take care of yourself!" Brendon exclaimed, raising his voice and turning a few heads.

"And you never stop criticizing and making fun of me! Just let me-" he paused and lowered his voice, taking a shaky breath. "Look, I'm sorry. But you're just- you're still the same person you were back then and no amount of apologizing and caring is gonna make me just forget about it," He started to stand up. "I think I'm just gonna-"

Brendon grabbed his wrist, pulling him back down. "Dallon, c'mon, just give me a chance. You know I didn't mean it like that," he looked up at him with pleading eyes. "I'm just worried about you. One chance is all I ask."

Dallon sighed, rubbing his temples. "One chance. That's it. Because I just- I really can't have this right now." 

Brendon nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I get that."

"Well, I guess I'll just get whatever you're having," Dallon sighed, forcing a small smile. 

Brendon let a smirk cross his face briefly.

"So," He started once they both had a cup of coffee in their hands. "Before everything, how were you? How were things?"

Dallon shook his head sadly, staring off into the distance as he remembered how perfect his life had been before. 

"They were..." He trailed off, memories laughter and love on tour cycling through his mind. "They were blissful..." he sighed, not knowing any other way to describe it. He fell silent again, staring into his coffee cup as he watched the cream dissipate and mix with the warm brown liquid.

"Good talk," Brendon sighed sarcastically. Dallon snapped his eyes up to meet Brendon's, who was looking slightly exasperated.

"You know what, Brendon? The love of my fucking life died in my arms less than a month ago. So I'm sorry if I'm not the best company," Dallon tried to force as much fire into his voice as possible, but ended up just sounding tired and broken.

He tried to make up for the lack of venom in his voice by glaring daggers at Brendon, but even that was less than adequate.

Brendon shook his head and chuckled tiredly. "Why do we always fight?" 

"Because you're an asshole and I'm not taking shit from anyone anymore," Dallon replied matter-of-factly. Brendon seemed taken aback; no one ever talked to him like that. Well, apart from... Dallon... about 20 minutes earlier.

"Well... true," he shrugged, doing his best to hide his damaged ego. 

Dallon rolled his eyes internally, mulling over his options. He could be quiet and snarky, and hope that Brendon would just give up and take him home; or he could be a good sport, do his best to have a conversation and pretend everything was fine. He ran a hand through his hair. Despite how much he disliked Brendon, he just really couldn't bring himself to be so mean.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

Brendon's face brightened slightly at Dallon's apology. "It's alright," he paused. "So are we actually gonna have a conversation or just sit in awkward silence til the waitress gets here?"

Dallon took a deep breath. "We can talk if you want, I guess." 

A triumphant grin spread across Brendon's face. "What about?" 

Dallon shrugged, attempting to regain at least a small portion of his dignity. "Doesn't matter to me, how about just nothing to do with my dead fiancé?"

"Uhh- yeah, totally. Sorry... about before, I mean," 

There was yet another uncomfortably long silence between them.

"So how's the new album coming? Have you got a release date yet?" Dallon asked somewhat awkwardly.

"No date yet, but it's coming along. Kinda got the same feel as 'Pray For The Wicked'. Which, speaking of, how did you like it?"

Dallon frowned. "Well, uh, truthfully, I never actually got a chance to listen to it..." 

"Oh," Brendon said dejectedly. 

"I was just busy with touring and trying to get the album out and, well, hating you..." Dallon rubbed the back of his neck, averting his gaze.

"Y-yeah, that's... that's fair," he mumbled. Boy, his ego was really taking a hit today. 

"I'll... I'll give it a listen tonight," He didn't really know why he said it, he didn't want to listen to it and he knew he wouldn't like it. But something inside him still wanted to try to please Brendon. 

The rest of their conversation was less forced once Dallon swallowed his pride and fell back into his old habit of doing anything to keep Brendon happy; but the tension was ever-present.

Brendon grinned, writing down a set of numbers on the napkin as Dallon was getting his jacket on.

"What's that?" Dallon asked hesitantly.

"My hotel room and phone number. Didn't you see how cute the waitress was?"

"Aren't you married?!" Dallon asked in disbelief. Surely Brendon wouldn't cheat on his wife? "What about Sarah?"

"Well, Sarah's not here, is she?" He smirked, slipping the pen back into his pocket and slinging his jacket over his shoulder. 

Dallon glanced back at the napkin on the table to see that

"Sunset Tower Hotel, Room 842  
(123) 456-7890  
Meet me. 10:00  
\- Brendon"

was scrawled across it in Brendon's messy handwriting.

He bit back a judgemental remark and followed Brendon out of the restaurant. As he opened the car door, he couldn't help but remember how it had been when he and Brendon had been... well... 'fooling around' as Brendon had put it.

He had always thought it had been more than that; that they had been boyfriends, not just friends with benefits, but had no such luck. He had found out the hard way that they weren't exclusive. 

///Flashback\\\\\

"Hey, do you remember where you put the silver sharpies? There are some fans hanging out at the venue doors and I can't find any," Dallon asked as he opened the door to the bus.

"Yeahhh..." Came the breathless response from the main living room of the bus.

"Great, where are they? We're gonna go sign some stuff before the show," Dallon informed him as he climbed the steps, still completely oblivious. 

He stopped in his tracks as he rounded the corner, seeing Brendon sitting on the couch, head tipped back, eyes squeezed shut and his mouth hanging open slightly. Dallon gasped as his eyes travelled down to stare in shock at the boy kneeling between HIS boyfriend's legs. 

As the realization of what was happening sunk in, tears clouded his vision. 

Brendon's eyes had snapped open as soon as he had heard Dallon's quiet gasp. He patted the side of the kid's head as he craned his neck to look at Dallon.

"Hey, pull off..." 

The kid pulled his head up reluctantly. "Huh?" He asked in a daze.

"C'mon, get up," Brendon said, a little more forcefully this time, zipping up his jeans and shuffling away from the kid.

"Wh- but I-" He shut up once he turned around to face Dallon. "Oh shit- I thought you said no one would be back! Or, well, I mean- Hi?"

"Heyy, Dal... what are you doing?"

"That's it?! You're fucking CHEATING on me with some teenager and that's all I get?" 

"I'm not a teenager, I'm 20! Also, did he say cheating? Are you guys-" The kid— ok, not kid, but you get the idea— interjected. Brendon gave him a hard look, some of the effect taken away due to his sex hair and lust-blown eyes.

"You sure don't look it," Dallon muttered, rolling his eyes as he turned back to Brendon. "Well?"

"Ok, first off, I'm not 'cheating'. I mean it's not like we're dating!"

"B-but we-" Dallon searched desperately for words to form a shield. 

"What we're doing... we're just fooling around!" Brendon paused, frowning. "Dallon, you didn't think I actually... loved you, or anything... did you?"

Well, so much for a shield. Any hopes Dallon might have had at a defence flew out the window as Brendon ripped his heart out using only his words. 

It was almost as if Dallon could feel his heart shattering into a million pieces. He thought that deep down, he had always known, but hearing it... it was too much.

He shook his head as he furiously wiped eyes, smudging the small amount of eyeliner he had put on. The tears only flowing faster as he saw the silver sharpies he had been looking for, in the side pocket of his backpack. Just where he had thought they would be.

Dallon grabbed them with shaking hands as walked towards the bus door, though the chances of him going out and meeting fans were slim.

He slammed the bus door, stopping to rest his head against the metal, warmed under the summer sun.

Brendon's voice was still barely audible. "Gonna keep goin' or what?" 

He stepped away from the door, the realization that Brendon wasn't coming after him making him feel sick to his stomach. 

He slipped his phone out of his pocket, opening Spencer's contact. And started typing with shaking fingers.

D - don't feel so good, can't play tonight 😖

He sent the text, adding an Emoji in an attempt to deflect any suspicions. Though, if anything, that would raise them.

S - cmon we're counting on you

D - look I don't want to puke all over the kids in the front row so you can get one of the roadies to fill in

S - you'll be fine. I have pills for nausea

Dallon glared at his phone, the texts appearing blurry through his tears.

D - fine but if I throw up on the audience it's your fault

D - and I got your stupid silver sharpies

He sighed, slipping his phone back into his back pocket as he stormed off towards the bathrooms, not caring to see Spencer's response. 

Though, it really didn't seem like he had a choice when he ran straight into Spencer.

"Ok, so those pills are in the front pocket of-"

"Here," Dallon cut him off, thrusting the sharpies forward and keeping his head down.

"Are you ok? It looks like there's something other than your stomach bothering you."

"I'm fine. How long until we're on?" He phrased it more as a statement than a question.

"I dunno, like an hour. Are you sure you're-"

Dallon strode off before he could finish the sentence, not looking back as Spencer called his name. 

Finally, he thought as he locked himself in one of the cramped bathroom stalls. 

He sat down, letting his head fall into his hands. What could he do? Just quit two weeks into tour, leave the man he was in love with— the one who didn't love him back— and go back home to wallow in self-pity? That really didn't seem like a very desirable outcome. 

Dallon raised his head, blinking as an idea struck him. But no, that was crazy. They hadn't spoken in ages and- before he even fully registered what he was doing, Dallon was fumbling his phone out of his pocket. 

His heart raced as he scrolled through his contacts, swallowing hard as he found the one he was looking for. He hit the 'call' button as he nervously chewed on his lip.

Somewhere, deep down, he hoped no one would pick up, as he was just now remembering his tiny crush on his former bandmate. And if that came back in any way, shape or form he was finished. 

But it couldn't come back, could it? He loved Brendon, as stupid as that was. 

As he was getting ready to hang up and figure out what to do, he heard a familiar voice through the speaker, and couldn't help but smile.

"Hello?" 

"Hey," He realized that perhaps a text would have been a better option as he voice cracked slightly.

"Dallon, hey! What's up, man?" 

"Not much... I have an idea."

He told Ryan about the project he had been thinking about for months now, talking quietly so he wouldn't seem crazy. After all, it would seem like he was talking to himself in a public bathroom.

"So, what do you think?" Dallon asked, chewing on his lip nervously. 

"I dunno... I mean we're both already in bands... it would kinda just have to be a side project, at least for awhile."

"Yeah, I figured. I mean, we could just keep it secret and low key and if it takes off, then great! We quit our bands and work full time on that. And if it doesn't, then too bad; we'll stay in our bands and either abandon it or keep working on it on the side." 

"True..."

"I know this is totally out of the blue and this whole project is kind of a shot in the dark but if you're willing to try it out..." 

There was a pause, before Ryan answered: "Yeah, I'm in."

Dallon grinned, silently pumping his fist in the air.

"Well, I guess we should meet up sometime and figure everything out. You're on tour right now, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but I'm not really sure if I'll be staying for the rest of it. Don't even know if I'll be staying in Panic!..." Dallon trailed off, frowning.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I dunno. Things are complicated," he shook his head, pushing his hair out of his eyes. 

"Well, I'm not gonna pry, but I'd say just hold on for the rest of tour, and if you still really can't stand them, then quit! If you do end up leaving, I'll leave Falling In Reverse and we can just go after this and see what happens."

Dallon couldn't help the blush that spread across his cheeks. Would Ryan really leave his stable job to take a shot in the dark and pursue a stupid DIY project just for him? 

"Yeah, alright," Dallon agreed, the smile in his voice evident. "Oh shit, hang on-" he quickly muted himself as he heard the door opening.

"Dallon! We're on in 15, get out here!" Spencer yelled, before running off again to prepare for the show.

Dallon groaned, seriously contemplating crawling through the tiny window and running off as he unmuted the call again.

"Everything ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. We're on in 15 so I gotta get going, I guess... but it's been really great talking to you again! And I'll call you again when we get to the hotel," Dallon said hopefully, phrasing it more as a question than a statement.

"Sounds great! Oh, and good luck, you'll do great." 

Dallon smiled uncontrollably as the blush spread to his ears and down his neck. 

"Th-thanks." It wasn't like Ryan could see him, but he couldn't help hiding his face, embarrassed by how much he was being affected.

He hung up and left the stall, quickly checking his appearance in the mirror on the way by. He stopped to wipe away his running eyeliner and splash some cold water on his face, in a half-successful attempt to get rid of his blush.

~~~~~~~~~

He played the show with little enthusiasm and no interaction with Brendon, dropping their whole 'stage gay' performance.

Spencer shot him several worried looks throughout, clearly unaware of what had actually unfolded between him and Brendon. 

"What's up with Dallon?" He asked through their earpieces.

"Dunno," Brendon shrugged, trying to meet Dallon's eye, who simply huffed and went back to staring rigidly out at the crowd between songs. 

He sighed in relief as he plucked out the last few notes, storming off stage as soon as the venue went dark. 

"Dallon! Dallon, wait up!" Brendon called after him, running to catch up.

"What do you want?" Dallon barked.

"Well, I just- I wanted to talk? About..." 

"What is there to talk about? I embarrassed myself. You told me you didn't love me and we basically just admitted we've been fucking to a fan, so god knows who he's gonna tell."

"I told him not to tell, he swore he wouldn't."

"Oh, wow, some kid swore he wouldn't tell anyone that he has proof that his idols are going at it," Dallon said sarcastically.

"Ok, would you stop calling him a kid? He's 20 and I'm not a fuckin' pedophile," Brendon rolled his eyes, sounding mildly disgusted. "And anyway, I wanted to talk to you about... well, about making things official."

Dallon was taken aback. He had expected Brendon to apologize and beg him not to quit the band, to give him a second chance. He certainly hadn't expected him to commit.

"Did I hear that right?"

"I guess you just said 'cheating' and I got freaked out. I wasn't ready to face the fact that I mean... we kinda are dating?" Brendon said, rubbing the back of his neck as he stood there and shifted awkwardly. 

"Brendon..."

"And look, if you don't want anything to do with me— at least not romantically—then that's understandable, but please, please, at least stay in the band?"

Every fibre of Dallon's being screamed that this was wrong, and he was only going to get his heart broken. But the only other person he wanted wouldn't want him; not in a million years. 

He sighed, continuing to fight back against the part of his brain that still somehow wanted to be with Brendon. 

And despite every rational part of him screaming 'No! Just ditch him and try your luck with Ryan!', he mumbled a quiet "Alright."

Brendon grinned and pulled him down for a quick kiss, pulling back awkwardly fast. 

"Well, uh, I kinda told Zack I'd go for a drink with him."

Dallon's heart sank, his first thought being: 'Really? He's blowing me off for that creep?'

"Y-yeah, ok... see you later, I guess."

Brendon waved goodbye and jogged off, leaving Dallon standing alone as the fans slowly filtered out onto the street.

Their relationship hadn't gotten better from there. 

Brendon and Zack continued to tease him relentlessly, and he had caught Brendon cheating on him upwards of 4 times.

He didn't know why he kept crawling back. Perhaps it was the fear and nervousness of what he knew would happen when he finally left Brendon for good.

He knew that the second they officially broke up, he would quit the band and go all in on 'I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME'. And he knew he would eventually make a move or do something stupid to drive Ryan away. Then he would be completely and utterly alone.

In the end, it was anger that finally drove him to end things with Brendon; fed up with the teasing and the way Brendon always seemed to put him last. Well, that and the fact that he had been dating Ryan for the better part of a year and it was getting increasingly hard to keep it secret, and to pretend he still had any feelings for Brendon.

They had been playing shows in secret for a little over a year, but it was in early December of 2017 he cut his losses and left Panic!. It was messy and painful, but in the end he was glad he had finally gotten out. 

By February they had built up a relatively large fanbase and were drawing the attention of different networks and labels.

He and Panic! were through and he hadn't looked back. 

\\\\\End Of Flashback///

"Dallon? What's goin' on in there?"

He shook his head, the memories already fading back into the the depths of his mind. "Yeah, sorry. Just... remembering," He said slightly wistfully as he buckled his seatbelt.

Brendon nodded, pulling out of the parking lot. "So, where d'you wanna go? I can take you back to... Evan's? That's his name, right?"

"Awsten," Dallon corrected. He tried hard not to roll his eyes, he really did; but Brendon could have at least bothered to learn his name. "Evan"; that wasn't even close!

"Right. Do you want me to drop you off? Or, I mean we can go do something; I think there's an arcade a few blocks away," Brendon suggested hopefully. 

"Can you just take me home?"

Brendon stiffened slightly, but nodded and turned back onto the main road. 

The uneasy silence they had fallen back into made the 6 minute drive seem infinitely longer. Dallon let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding as they pulled up in front of the house.

"Well, thanks for everything," Dallon thanked him, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I actually had a good time, y'know, considering... everything," he lied through his teeth.

"Yeah, me too," Brendon's face lit up slightly. "We should do this again sometime. If you feel up to it, that is."

"Yeah, I'll see," he slowly backed towards the door, sick of being anywhere near Brendon.

He gave a shy wave goodbye as he opened the door, sighing as he slumped back against it once he was safely inside. 

He trudged up the stairs, ignoring Otto asking him how it went. 

He groaned as he flopped down on his mattress, glancing at the clock. 7:00. Well that was a new low. Going to sleep at 6:30 AM, waking up at 5:00 PM and crawling back into bed 2 hours later.

Though, he couldn't really be bothered to care at this point. He was too defeated to care about the state of sheer hopelessness he had fallen into.

He was spiraling dangerously fast, and only time would tell what happened when he finally hit the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy, mood swings are easy to write when your characterization isn't consistent and you write in very small chunks! 
> 
> So hi... I'm alive! I guess I owe y'all an apology 😟 things were kinda hectic and I was really lacking motivation and ideas but I'm back now!! I'm hoping to start a oneshots book pretty soon (however, I fail to deliver a lot and I still don't have much time to write so don't hold me to anything).
> 
> As usual, comments and votes make my day!! I'm usually super nervous whenever I post anything so comments are votes help a lot 😌
> 
> Well, until next time! Hopefully the wait won't be as long next time 
> 
> \- 🖤


End file.
